Happy Birthday, Judy!

March 8, 2011

Today is my sister Judy's birthday. She would be 69 years old if she were still alive. 69! That seems so hard to believe. She died in 2003, when she was 61. She found it hard to believe that she was over 60. What would she think of 69? What would she think about her little sister already being 62, well on the way to 63 in October?

In my mind, she is still young and beautiful. The big sister that I admired, loved, emulated, annoyed, and followed for my entire life until the day she died. She was always my role model and when I grew up, she was my best friend as well as my "Seester." We used to call each other and say, "I was missing my Sissy, and just had to talk to you!" Now she has been gone for almost 8 years, and I miss my Sissy so much.

She died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm that burst. No warning, other than high blood pressure and feeling dizzy that day. She told Mom that she needed to go home and lie down a bit. That was the last time anyone saw her alive.

It took so long even to figure out how to be in this world without her. She had been my guiding star and my center point for so long. I didn't know how to be me without her.

I have come through the worst part of grief. I have come to accept that she is gone and that my life still goes on. I have days of feeling happy; I have learned that I can live without her. And I still miss her every day of my life. Happy Birthday, Sissy! I'm so glad that you were my Seester!

One Word for 2011

For the last two or three years, instead of making New Year's Resolutions, I have chosen one word to focus on for the year. According to Ali Edwards and Christine Kane, choosing one word lets us focus on that word throughout the year, lets that word guide us when we choose how to spend our time, and lets us aspire to desired results instead of forcing us through grim effort.

2009's word was delight. 2010 was flow. I have been amazed at how keeping that one word in mind affects my life and my choices—in a good way. So I was excited about the word for 2011. What would it be? What do I want to add to my life? I pondered different words; I was gifted with the word "reconnect" through a rock from Patti Digh. Would that be my word?

As I pondered, the word that returned persistently, that tugged at my sleeve as I considered others, that insisted on being my focus for 2011 is the word "shine."

Shine, as in "let your light shine," as in "lit from within," as in "be transparent," as in "be who you are and show that to the world."

Shine as in all the time. Take away the bushel or the cover that you throw over your light when you think it isn't safe to shine. Shine when shining may call attention to you. Shine when shining may be risky.

Gulp!

As someone who has spent life trying to be invisible until she knows it is safe to appear, this word is scary. Yet, I know it is the right word for me.

Patti Digh has written and talked about sharing the light that only you can bring to the world. Just today, Kathryn Antyr, the Collage Diva, wrote a touching message that says we each have a light that is unique to us; we must tend to our light and let it shine—whether it is blazing or dim, we need to tend it and share it with the world.

Since I chose the word Shine, I expected the New Year to start with shining and blazing. Instead, I've felt tired, lethargic, and dim. I've spent time sleeping, pondering, and doing only what is necessary. I've read blogs which have given me more to ponder. And I realize that even in this time of grayness, my inner fire is still burning, still giving off light. The light never goes out. I just need to tend to the fire right now.

Marianne Williamson's book, A Course in Weight Loss, talks about removing the brick wall that hides our real self from the world. Her course instructs you in how to remove those bricks one at a time. I feel that I've kept that brick wall nice and thick through the years. I've allowed my light to shine through windows and at times have opened doors wide to let the light shine. But I've always kept my wall in place.

2011 will be my year to tend to my inner fire and to let it shine—to remove the brick wall so the real me can be seen. To shine through darkness and sun, blazing or dim, to shine and give warmth and comfort to those who may need it—or who just want to enjoy it! My focus is to shine and be seen. I guess my theme song this year will be "This little light of mine; I'm gonna let it shine!"

It's my time to SHINE!

Many Questions, Same Answer

For a while, everything I read, heard or saw reinforced the idea that walking, meditation and yoga are the answers to multiple problems. Need to lose weight? Walk, meditate, yoga (WMY). Need creative ideas? WMY. Need to kick depression? WMY. Need to lower blood pressure, avoid diabetes, or lower stress? The answer is still WMY. The overlap is always there.

This past week or so, I've been reading about synchronicity, releasing body trauma, and creating more vivid writing. (By the way, my boss asked me, "Do you ever read anything for fun?" I thought I WAS!) Again, I find overlapping answers to these situations.

To release body trauma, become aware of your body sense, what your body touches, hears, smells, sees, etc.

To add sensuality and realism to your writing, drill down into your writing and tell me what the characters touch, hear, smell, see, etc.

To become aware of synchronicity, start noticing what your body touches, hears, smells, sees, etc.

It is all connected. The questions lead to the same answer. And I'm sure that if I start to walk, meditate and do yoga, I will notice what my body touches, hears, smells, sees, etc. And vice versa—if I start noticing what my body touches, hears, smells, sees, etc., soon I will be walking, meditating and doing yoga.

I feel as though I have uncovered a secret to the Universe. It's one of those, "It's so simple, how did I never see it?" moments. I sit and look around and feel peace within.

I am a person who has always lived more in my head than in my body. I've tried different things to become more physical. But the connection just wasn't there. Today, I feel a major shift in perception. I think, "By Jove, I think she's got it!" I think this time it's for real—no, more than just THINK—this time I feel it in my body and my mind. I've found the way in to this body of mine—just look around, notice what it feels, touches, hears, smells, and sees. Move when it needs to move. Sit when it needs to sit. Flex and stretch when it needs to stretch. I am safe. I am home. I am at peace. All is well.

Thankful Thursday

Things I'm thankful for today:

• Finding a new blog, Ripplespeak
• Reading creative blogs, Magpie's Fancy, Far Away in the Sunshine
• My journaling friends, Norma, Sandi, River
• Learning about releasing body trauma by reading Peter Levine
• Noticing synchronicity
• Working at a university
• Bright blue autumn skies
• Naps
• My fountain pen
• Notebooks
• Writing morning pages
• Texting with my friend in CA
• received my gift from Glenda--a CD of George Strait singing Christmas songs--fun!  Thank you!

The feeling of joy bubbling up inside—it's been a long time coming!

Artist’s Way Check-In

Recently I joined an on-line group to work through the Artist's Way. I was so excited that I would be able to have company as I worked my way through this book. I've had the book for years and made multiple tries to get all the way through. Usually by week 5 or 6, I would get derailed and then give up.

The on-line group ended unexpectedly. Some of the members are still planning to work through the book. We plan to stay in touch either on our FB connection or through each other's blogs. I have posted in both places, and then realized that I need to post on my own blog. This will help us stay connected, keep me accountable and keep me going.

We have reached the dreaded weeks 5 and 6. Some of us have stumbled. Thanks to our group and the encouragement we find, we realize that stumbling, taking time out, and/or struggling are all a part of the process. They are not reasons to quit. They are reasons to share, to draw strength from one another and then to step back into the flow and continue. I think this may be one of the biggest lessons I am learning—just keep going, stick with the program, and try, try again.

So, here I am. I do my Morning Pages. I have continued this discipline/task/treat since I first learned about them years ago. I have done slivers of Artist Dates; I need to find more ways to add fun to my life. I watch for synchronicity. I record my dreams more often, both night dreams and daydreams. I play with images and words. I read, ponder and share.

With the help of my friends, both on-line and real life, I continue on The Artist's Way.

I won!

I won! I won a gift, a new blog to read and a new friend! Yesterday, I found Serendipity Cottage, a blog by Glenda. She offered a gift to the next person who became a follower and changed her number from 133 to 134. I became a follower and left a comment—and I won! Yay!

Check out Glenda's blog; I think you'll like her. I read through several of her back entries and she sounds like someone who would be fun to know. She's talented, she's funny, and she is also generous.

She likes painting, photography, vintage stuff, garage sales, and so many more things that I also like. Today she mentioned a book that I want to read—I have already been looking for it and just haven't found it yet. And she has already read it!

Drop by her spot in the blogosphere and say Hi! She'll be glad to see you. (I'll be waiting by the mailbox for my surprise gift!)

Balance or Harmony?

One of the tasks in Week Two of The Artist's Way is to make a map of all the areas of our life: Spirituality, Exercise, Play, Work, Friends, Romance / Adventure. First, you draw a circle, divide it into 6 sections, and then draw a dot representing where you are currently in this aspect of your life. When you connect the dots, you can see if you are well balanced or if some areas are totally lacking. The intent then becomes to increase the parts that are lacking and become more balanced.

I read somewhere once that we should try to achieve harmony rather than balance. At different times in life, some areas take more precedence over others. The dominant areas will change, just like the melody and harmony in a song. I still think the idea of mapping out our life areas is valid, because it lets us see if the smaller areas remain in harmony or if we have neglected them altogether. We can still nurture them in small ways even when other areas are demanding big chunks of our life. This keeps them alive and contributing. And maybe we can learn ways to trim back the time-hogs!

Doing the Artist's Way is making me aware of how many pockets of time are available to slip in some creative play. And slipping in all those different slivers of creativity is bringing my life song back into harmony and balance.

How about you? Do you try to achieve balance? Or harmony? Do you think there is a difference?